By Dheeksha Rabindra

“My mother is always on mobile. Mom should throw her mobile.”

“My parents do not play with me.”

“My mother does not listen to me … she is busy cooking or doing some other work. I need her to give complete attention to me…”

“You never understand me…”

“My parents don’t give time for me…”

These are a few complaints by children and it is just a drop in the ocean. Yes, we must have read and discussed so much about children’s tantrums but how fair is it to think parents are always right and not children? Don’t these complaints also sound like parents complaining about their children?

Parenting does not come with a handbook but in this digital and information age, a parenting handbook is just a click away. Either way, parenting is as good as jumping into the ocean without knowing how to swim. It is no doubt parents feel overwhelmed. Parents follow the same parenting guidelines used by previous generations or try reading a slew of parenting handbooks and information online without understanding the root cause of the problem. All are trying to find an appropriate parenting path.

You may ask what is wrong with following your parent’s footsteps in terms of parenting. With changing times, our lifestyles are also changing at a faster pace, and little do we realize how to manage things to accommodate the changing needs. Imagine the days when there was no Television. Family dinner was a natural course of the day. There were no efforts required. Now, without even one realizing it, every family member will be having dinner at their respective places with their phone in hand. By the time you realize it would have become a habit. How to break the habit?

Further, in this age of information overload, one tries to read online and try to figure out what is the problem with the child and start using various medical terminologies like OCD, ADHD, etc., loosely (this does not include the genuine medical condition). “The obvious alternative to blaming the parent is to conclude that there is something amiss or lacking in the child. Difficulty in parenting often leads to a hunt to find out what is wrong with the child,” from the book “Hold on to your kids,” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.

However, irrespective of time and space, whether a joint or nuclear family, orthodox or modern family, rich or poor family, one thing that has been and is common for thousands of years is, respecting and understanding a child’s emotions, was and is always missing. An adult with self-awareness, an active listener, an empath, and an understanding of how a child feels can fix this missing puzzle.

Here are a few tips to fix the missing puzzle:

Learn to unlearn: Off late I have heard these common dialogues: “In the olden days it was easier to manage children as it was a joint family.” “In our time my son or daughter would never talk back to elders.” “A whack would ensure discipline in children” … But I have not heard anyone say in our times our parents understood very well “what I felt.”

Yes, taking care of a child and the family is not easy. From cooking to cleaning and ensuring management of a complex company called House is definitely a humongous task. Parenting is not all about Cooking, feeding, and cleaning the child. Apart from providing basic amenities (Roti, Kapada, Macan) and education, supporting a child’s emotional and spiritual development is true parenting.

Change is constant. Instead of falling back on the previous generation’s parenting style, start understanding yourself first. Understand your emotions and needs, so you can understand your child’s emotions and needs better. Find out what you liked and did not like about your parent’s parenting style. You can start by building self-awareness about yourself.

Understand children’s emotions: If your child comes crying to you for a small reason as his/her favourite pencil breaking, you would immediately react by saying – oh it’s okay I will buy a new one or you are crying for a silly reason. Instead of reacting start responding. Understand the child’s emotions. He/she is just sad and disappointed because his/her favourite pencil broke. First, identify that emotion. The child may not even need a new pencil. All the child needs is to acknowledge their emotions and understand that they are sad and disappointed. Never dismiss a child’s emotions and feelings.

Emotions go beyond just happy, sad, angry, and fearful. If you look up online there is a list of 100s of emotions available. Understand emotions vocabulary and use appropriate emotions with your child.

Be an active listener: When a child reaches out to talk to you, leave all tasks behind and give full ears to the child’s concerns. If you are in the midst of an important task, communicate to the child that you would definitely listen after the important meeting or cooking, and give them an appropriate time to talk. Keep up your promise. Imagine, when you reach out to your husband or friend to share something and he/she just listens passively and continues to do work. How do you feel? So, be an active listener and not a passive listener. Do not advise or give lectures. Let the child lead the conversations.

Build a routine: Everyone needs a routine as organizing and functioning in daily life becomes easier. If a child’s routine is haywire, you will find it very hard to make your child listen to you. Waking up on time, study time, TV time, play time, sleep time, etc. following a routine will help the child as well as the adult to manage Child’s needs better. Children may resist in the beginning, but it becomes a habit.

Spend quality time with your child: You may be in the same space at your house doing your work and the child watching TV. This is not spending quality time. Sit with your child and watch TV and discuss, or play a board game or even as simple as going for a walk and cycling. Giving undivided attention is very important. Just like how you expect undivided attention from your partner, in a similar way the child expects undivided attention from parents.

Changing oneself for good is better than trying to change others. Lead by example. Children need role models to lean on or orient themselves with and those role models whom they orient toward are their parents. If you want your child to change, change yourself first.